Tag Archives: darkness

Overcoming PTSD Quote

I’m not crazy, I was abused.

I’m not shy, I’m protecting myself.

I’m not bitter, I’m speaking the truth.

I’m not hanging onto the past, I’ve been damaged.

I’m not delusional, I lived a nightmare.

I’m not weak, I was trusting.

I’m not giving up, I’m healing.

I’m not incapable of love, I’m giving.

I’m not alone.  I see you all here.  I’m fighting this.

— Rene Smith

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Obsessed (Why Can’t I Stop?)

You ruined me

you didn’t mean to

you can’t have meant to

but you ruined me

and I don’t think I can fix this

what’s scary is

I can’t decide if I want to

get over this

get over you

and move on with my life

I feel like I’m going crazy

you’re always on my mind

and I can’t make you leave

no matter what I do

you always return

to the forefront of my mind

Because of you

I made new friends

but because of you

I’m pushing them away

because I’m always thinking

always asking

always talking about you

and I know they’re tiring of this rapidly

but I can’t stop

I pray about this

research it

try to find a cure of some sort

just some method

that will let me forget about you

even if it’s only for a minute

I can’t help but feel

this is all my fault

that if I hadn’t pushed so hard

fought so hard

to get what I want

who I want

then this wouldn’t be a problem

but it is

and it’s all because I was stupid

I couldn’t see you

for what I wanted

I was selfish

I see that now

but it’s far too late

and if you never want anything to do with me

I’ll understand

I don’t want anything to do with me

not now

I don’t want to be obsessed with you

to be obsessed with this

with what we were

what we should’ve been

could’ve been

yet here I am

2AM not sleeping

because my mind won’t turn off

won’t stop thinking about you

and the way things were

I’m obsessed

I know it

I hate it

and I’m so, so sorry

for everything

not that you’ll ever know it

not that you’d care if you did

What do I have to have to do to let you go?

How do I move on?

How do I learn to stop loving you?

When will I be free from you?

How can I ever be free from my own mind?

Why did I let this happen?

Will any of these questions ever be answered?

Heartache

Playing games

with each other’s hearts

is what love is

right?

We play around

wrestle and cuddle

talk and fight

cry and dream

Each of us

put up a front

pretending we’re ok

like this is natural

I can tell

you’re hiding something

deep inside those blue eyes

just like I

hide secrets behind

chocolate brown eyes.

I know you have your demons

I have a fair share myself

but I think that’s part of us

part of why we work

My heart is aching

seeing you suffer

I want to be there

to provide you comfort

please don’t push me away

I’m not scared of you

I’m scared of what I might do to you

Both of us unstable

both want to change

let’s change together

don’t be afraid of me

I’m not afraid of you

I know you aren’t perfect

and neither am I

I’m scared to cause you heartache

I’m scared to let you down

despite your flaws and demons

I need you around

Beautiful Monster

I can tell

you’re in pain

I see

you don’t think

you deserve me

What you missed

I missed too

we feel the same

me and you

I know you’re damaged

I’m damaged too

two war-torn bodies

in a place so new

You think you’re a monster

and maybe you are

you have your flaws

don’t you think I can see them?

You think you’re unworthy

that I’m too good for you

well baby here’s the thing

you’re too good for me too

The pain in my chest

that I feel when you’re hurting

proves only one thing

we’re connected, I’m learning

You’re pushing me away

hiding the darkness inside you

but babe I’m not running

I know the darkness too

You’re a beautiful monster

my dear, sweet boy

will you please stop running?

Will you let me love you?

Identity Crisis

It’s amazing

How one thing

Can change someone’s

Entire world

Forever

I can’t believe

Just how quickly

Everything

Becomes inside out

Upside down

Unable to return to

The way it once was

I can’t fathom

Why people would

Think about

Joke about

Or even consider

Doing something

To harm an innocent being

Of course I know

This doesn’t affect me

Shouldn’t change me

Or make me question

Everything

I once thought to be remotely true

I realize

It would be easier

Healthier even

To just tune this out

Ignore what other people are talking about

Do my work

Mind my own business

But I can’t

I can’t tune it out

I can’t ignore it

Not this close to home

Not again

How can something

That seemed to perfect

Be so horrible?

I don’t understand

How people can turn

Their backs

And a blind eye

On something so insidious

I feel so ashamed

Bearing the name

Of this great institution

But I still have that sweatshirt

And I wear it all the same

The pride I once felt

The belonging

Of being one of them

Now makes me feel numb

For the first time ever

I’m hesitant

And questioning

If they’re really something special

Or part of the mundane

All of these questions

Thoughts

And emotions

Swirl around in my head

God, I don’t know what I’m doing

Since another turned up dead

The darkness is surrounding

But I no longer feel safe

I’m waiting for the next threat

But hoping it won’t come

I’m sick of all these questions

And answers I can’t find

I need to stop the spinning

I want to get off this ride

Yet something in me likes it

This darkness that consumes

Darkness is my destiny

The past still kills my pride

Everything keeps changing

Yet deep inside I know

I have to keep on fighting

If I ever want to win

I think I found my purpose

And it all relies on them

The tragic thing about it

If my grandpa was alive

I doubt this would have happened

Not with someone so good inside

He never would have let it

He would have stopped it first

Now I think his death

Is something of a curse

Aside from all the pain I feel

I still can see his light

A fire always burning

In the dark and wintry night

I know his spirit’s with me

I feel it in my soul

I wish he could protect them

Those poor damaged souls

I’m sorry that they hurt you

I’d change it if I could

I hope it makes you stronger

Now you’re doing something good

Speak up, speak up

All injured ones

Secrets don’t keep you safe

I hope you get some justice

Or some closure in the least

I know that you don’t know me

And we will never meet

But know my heart is with you

With every single beat

Lost in the Dark

every time

I think I’m finally whole again

something happens

and my heart shatters

into a million pieces

again

I try to be strong

so many depend on me

to protect them

keep everything together

so no one else breaks

my friends try to help

but telling them

only makes it worse

I can’t handle their pity

I don’t want to make them feel bad

it’s my life

not theirs

I fight alone

in the darkness

lately

I’ve been trapped

one thing after another

breaks me

and I can’t heal that fast

the fire I once had

the flame that kept me going

is getting smothered

without my light

I can’t see through the night

that keeps getting darker

like an eclipse

the numbness is overwhelming

slowly consuming my mind

my soul

and my entire body

to the point where I can’t feel a thing

school is pointless

it’s so dark and cold

I can’t focus

even if I try

the meds will help

they say

you’ll feel better

it will help

they promise

just keep holding on

but they don’t help

all they to

is make me even more numb

it’s gotten so hard

I can’t fight anymore

I wanna give up

go to sleep

and pray this is all just a dream

on one knows

how much effort it takes

to go one each day

pretending everything’s fine

this darkness is truth

as I get older

I realize everyone lies

all the time

about anything and everything

to protect themselves

but claim thy’re protecting me

the damage done

is permanent

I no longer trust

anything

or anyone

not even myself

I’ve lost everything

and nothing at the same time

who I was is gone

dead in the ground

I’m searching for who I am

after everything was stripped away

forever

it makes me angry

that everything I’ve worked for

is gone forever

now I don’t know

who I am

I’ve lost so much

thanks to the lies I was fed

and the home that was broken

when I was a kid

only one person

has told me the truth

and now he’s dying

I don’t know

if I can recover from this

this might be the blow

that destroys me

once and for all

soon, all I’ll have are memories

to keep me safe and warm

but I don’t know if it’s enough

I wish I could run away

from all of this

fly away

like a raven in the night

disappear

would anyone notice

would I even be missed

would anyone care

and come search for me

or would I fade away

invisible

I feel like I’ve been buried alive

breathing is so hard

and I’m so tired

can’t I give up yet?

they all see me smiling

like nothing is wrong

but it’s all just an act

and I struggle to survive

fake it ’til you make it

or until you’ve fooled everyone

even yourself

you’ve made them believe

you bounce back

like a super-ball

but even super-balls break

elastic will snap

plastic cracks like porcelain

flesh and bone

are fragile too

more so than many admit

I’m holding on

but I’m starting to slip

coming to the tipping point

not sure how much more I can handle

I’m breaking

from inside out

my sanity is ebbing away

and my will to live is dissapating

someone

please save me

I’ve been strong for too long

some one please save me

I can’t hold on anymore

catch me as I fall

show me it will be okay

that I can live another day

I’m not strong enough

this is my limit

help me

I’m drowning

help me

goodbye.